Presuming the parrot to be the lady of the house he called back, "It's the plumber," and waited for her to come and let him in. When no one opened the door, he knocked again. Again the parrot called, "Who is it?" Frustrated, he yelled, "It's the plumber!" He waited some more, and again no one came to the door. He knocked again, long and hard. 
 

Again the parrot called, "Who is it?" and he shouted, "IT'S THE PLUMBER!" Once again he waited, and again she didn't come. Furious at the way she was taking the piss, he hammered on the door again and again. The parrot, who was having a great time, called, Who is it?" innocently. It was too much for the plumber, who went berserk. With a loud scream he took a wrench to the lock, hammered it to bits and broke the door down. The excitement proved too much for the poor bloke, though, and he had a massive heart attack, dropping dead in the hall. When Kath got back an hour later she found the door ripped open and a corpse lying in the doorway.
 

"Fuck!" she shrieked, "WHO IS IT?"

By the way, I have a large Rottweiler inside; he won't bother you. I also have a large parrot, but whatever you do, DON'T TALK TO THE BIRD!"

Well, sure enough the dog totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the damned parrot cussed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts. As he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist, "You stupid bird, why don't you shut up!"

Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts.

As he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist saying, "You stupid bird, why don't you shut up!"

"Yes," the pet store owner said, "this bird has a vocabulary of 1000 words plus 50 phrases guaranteed to fit most occasions." The deal was made and the parrot was brought home complete with a cage. The next day the purchaser went back & said the parrot had yet to say a word.

"That's to be expected," said the pet shop owner. "Try getting the bird a few of the toys that were here for the bird to use in the shop. It just needs to feel at home with you." Toys were purchased and a day went by. The parrot's owner returned & said there still had been no talking.

"I see," said the pet shop owner. "Perhaps if you got a bird bath, the parrot would start to talk while using it." A bird bath was purchased and yet another day went by. The next day the owner was back with the same complaint. This time the pet shop owner mentioned that sometimes the bird had been praised in its training by being allowed to ring a little bell. The parrot's owner bought the bell reluctantly. The following day the parrot's owner was there waiting as the store opened.

"Still no luck?" asked the store owner.

"No. Nothing said yet," answere the bird's owner.

"Well, I bet the bird's just lonesome for some of the birds here at the shop."

"What!!! You want me to buy another bird!" yelped the unhappy owner of the parrot.

"No, no, calm down," reassured the store owner. "All you have to do is get a mirror and the bird will think it has a companion." At last the sale of a mirror was agreed upon. The pet store owner the next day opened the store and found the troublesome customer had returned...this time with the parrot, only it was dead!

"What happened?" asked the store owner, "Didn't the bird ever talk?"

He looked around nervously, shook his head, and kept looking for valuables.

He again heard, "Jesus is watching you."

This time, he shone his light all over, and it rested on a parrot. He asked, "Did you say that?"

The parrot admitted that he had. "I'm just trying to warn you, is all."

The burglar said, "Warn me, huh? Who are you? What's your name?" "Moses" the Parrot replied.

"Well, what kind of stupid people would name a parrot 'Moses'?" The bird answered, "I don't know;

If you do it, I'll donate 10 Million Dollars to the Vatican." The Pope replies, "I am sorry. That is the Lord's prayer and I can not change the words." So the Colonel hangs up. After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again.

"Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll donate $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'"

And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us to support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's prayer, and I can't change the words." So the Colonel gives up again. After two more months of terrible sales. The Colonel gets desperate. "This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican." The Pope replies, "Let me get back to you."

I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT !".

But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you", and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird, and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.

For the first few seconds, there is a terrible verbal commotion. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very very quiet....

At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt.

After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says: "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."

The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.

It was the most magnificent ship ever built, and everybody was very excited. No expense had been spared - the vast dining rooms, casinos, hundreds of neatly groomed waiters and polite service staff, string quartets, the works.

Even the world's greatest illusionist magician, was on board.

Every night, the great magician would perform the most wonderfully amazing tricks of conjure the passengers had ever seen. On the first night of the voyage, everyone was eager to see this great man at work, except there was one slight problem.

There was this parrot, sitting in his gilded cage near the stage, from where he would ruin each trick as the magician performed them.

Each time, the parrot would sit quietly until the trick was almost completed, and say things like, "Squawk! It's up his sleeve!" or "Squeak! He's hidden it in the hat!" etc., and ruin the trick for the magician.

Every time, the parrot would do this, and the magician would get madder and madder.

The same thing happened the next night, and the one after that. The magician would shake with fury at this silly parrot ruining his world famous illusion show. He spent his days devising even better and more stupendously amazing tricks in an effort to fool this annoying parrot.

The fourth night, the magician was about to perform his greatest trick of the voyage. The lights were dimmed, a hushed silence swept across the glittering room, a drum roll built up to a mighty crescendo as the magician performed his final piece de resistance.... when suddenly the Titanic hit an iceberg and sank... (you know the story).

For two whole days, the magician managed to cling to a door floating around in the wreckage, starving, thirsty, delirious. Then he noticed at the other end of the door, the parrot, sitting calmly and quietly, staring back at him. The magician thought to himself, "at least he's not squawking now." For two more days the magician just glowered at him, not saying a word - bitter, hushed, resentful, silent.

Then at the end of the fourth day, the parrot couldn't contain himself any longer, eyed off the magician, and squawked loudly,